Transparency

“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

I am not sure if I will post this on my blog or not. I go in and out of being transparent and vulnerable to the internet nowadays. We can be so quick to judgment and misunderstanding with anything posted even if they are our own thoughts and feelings. Somehow you are shamed for showing emotions. It makes me question keeping this blog but there is a part of me that writes for therapeutic reasons, in hopes that another individual going through similar trials can benefit. Maybe it can help that one life to say, “They understand.”

There has been a plethora of gains in my life and accomplishments I had never seen myself doing or participating in. I have felt so incredibly grateful and gifted with new relationships developed.

Here’s to vulnerability and transparency…

I have been dealing with an unknown feeling of unwellness for the past 3 or 4 years. Concidently, it all started with my esophageal strictures and these “feelings” increased over the last 2 years. The last several months has been a rollercoaster. I have been to a few doctors; in and out of the emergency room leading to extensive tests. It is most infuriating to hear comes back normal yet you cannot function on the daily. When you are already have limitations, not only due to your disease but situation and location, it can be isolating. I cannot and am too afraid to leave my house. There are days I have panic and anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I read, mediate, reflect on fulfilling verses. Embarrassing but sometimes I sit in a dark closet to calm my sensory/emotional overload. Fighting infection on my small wounds are becoming problematic more each day. Sometimes my thought process is foggy, forming simple sentences can be a challenge. Sunlight feel like a daggers throughout my nervous system once the light hits my eyes. 1500 mL of water does not keep my hydrated, my skin suffers from lackluster. My tongue feels like sandpaper if I utter a few words. My extremities constantly tingle. I feel fatigue and sleepiness after any activity even eating. Low grade fever every day. Migraines are every other day. My abdomen is tender and sore, hard to the touch at times. My blood sugar is all over the place yet I am not a diabetic. The constant urges to vomit but you cannot due to strictures and preventing the excuriating tearing of the esophagus which lead to bleeding. I can’t exercise like I used to and it makes me feel not-so-great about myself  

Crying is nearly a daily occurrence for me. I remember there were years crying did not come with ease until my dear friends passed then the repeat, I did not cry for months. Now, it’s like if I don’t have my crying session each day, I feel like I cannot face anyone… not even my happy bundle of joy, my Lunabug.

I have needed oral surgery as of 2013.

There are pre-cancerous and cancerous spots that need attention.

On top of that, my life is going through a full transition. A transition that has been a hard choice to come.

I have only felt guilt and shame because I just… do. While many are so over the moon proud of me: why can’t I, for once, be proud of me?

Feels like I have and am being completely stripped from inside out. In every loss, you can only hope there will be gain.

I am known for not always really saying how I am truly am because my heart gravitates toward those less fortunate, but taking my own advice and the advice of others, pain is pain. 

This was not easy, but here’s to healing (again…)

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