What a year so far. I have wanted to focus on my goals for this year, but we have been experiencing some trials…
After our move, I had been cut off state Medicaid. They claimed my husband’s $1300 per month for two people, is too much income for the household. I received no warning. I had little gauze left to do my daily skin care. It breaks my heart to ask others in similar situations such as myself, to spare what they can. It kills me the state can turn my life upside in a heartbeat, and jeopardize people’s health. It is a very dehumanizing feeling especially when you simply cannot shower every day because you do not have enough. Most of my calories are administered nightly through my g-tube because my esophagus is only 2mm, so I have to be careful not to consume all the formula that is my lifeline.
Don’t get me wrong. I do not sit around, making myself a victim, or sit around wanting pity. I advocate for myself on a daily basis. I am a fighter. However, it does make me feel guilty to go to organizations for help. I know it isn’t my fault, but it is a human reaction to want to do more for yourself.
Back in December, there was a nasty sinus infection going around. My husband, unfortunately, contracted and battled with it numerous times, and his insurance did not start until January. Therefore, he had to go to Instacare in order to get treatment out-of-pocket.
January comes around, I am still feverishly finding out my options to get back on Medicaid. It was also time for my yearly Yosemite trip with my best friend. I was so beyond excited about our time together, for a whole week of beautiful California. A few days into our trip, I finally caught the sinus infection full force, and then sadly, passed it on to my best friend (I’m sorry! :() While away in California, my poor Justin was ill again with the sinus infection and cough. When I had returned from our trip, our friends from Arizona were coming in a day after I had arrived back home. We were feeling a bit more stable, but the cough would not go away. We all had a fantastic time going to Bryce Canyon. We all had an incredibly awesome week in a very long time.
Over a week later, after everything was going back to the norm, my husband came home from work, freezing. He did not once complain to me the entire day (we text back and forth throughout the day.) He is NEVER cold. He wears shorts in cold snowy weather while everyone else is in snowsuits. At first I thought, the sinus infection was coming back, but his face told me something else. I saw pain. His face was becoming paler, in a way I hadn’t seen before. He shivered into the evening until bedtime. I monitored him like a hawk. He needed to sleep, so I went to bed with him early (for me), that night. An hour and a half later, I woke up suddenly—as if someone told me to wake up, now. I have always been a dead sleeper until the sun rises, so that immediately made me check on my husband. He was burning up. I knew his fever was around 103.0 just by touching him. He was shivering so hard, it used all his energy. I also observed our dog’s behavior. She is usually always by my side, but that night, she would not leave him. Her face was full on worried without sleep.
“You need a doctor,” I said.
“No… too much… money,” he could barely utter.
“Your life is more important than money,” I said sternly.
He fell back asleep. I grew increasingly more uncomfortable and worried. I started feeling sick myself, but I got myself dressed and clothes out for him.
“You need to go now!”
“Can we wait until it is light out?” He asked.
“No! There is very serious, and you need to get yourself checked out, now!” I said in an angry tone.
My husband is amazing man, but he always puts himself last. In all honesty, this point agitated because he hasn’t seen a doctor in years, and I was just very scared. I knew for him to even want to be checked out later showed how seriously horrible he was feeling.
It took him a good hour just to get dressed while in-between he started vomiting and he could not stay up on his feet. He was becoming delirious. He was mumbling incoherently. I had to keep reminding him we had to leave and why. I grew increasingly scared. I was praying silently to myself. My emotions were shot and in shock. I had never seen my husband so helpless. His fever was also worsening…
Unfortunately, I don’t have a license, yet, but I do know how to drive, thankfully. He could hardly stay within the lines. He appeared to drift in and out. In a loud voice, I guided him on the road. It was 2-ish AM or so, thankfully, being in a small town, I saw only four cars on the way to the hospital. Two miles from the hospital, he could not steer the wheel anymore. I took hold on the wheel, dangerously, telling him when to accelerate and brake. We made it safely to the hospital. He started having intense abdominal pain, as soon as he opened his door; he vomited on the parking lot pavement.
“Do you need a wheelchair?”
“Do you need a wheelchair?”
I ran as quickly as possible inside the hospital’s ER doors. I could hardly talk, but I requested a wheelchair. I saw my husband’s silhouette slowly making way to the ER department, barely. I told him I was going him a wheelchair, but he told me he doesn’t remember asking for a wheelchair.
The nurse took him back right away, but insisted I sit down and stay in the waiting room for a bit. I sat out in the waiting area for over an hour. Longest hour of my life. After an hour, the nurse took me back to his room. I was just happy to be near him. He looked more relaxed getting to see me, but so lifeless. He kept requesting a warm blanket, but could not have one, as his fever was 105.0. When the nurse told me, the tears started flowing. I could feel that hysterical non-stop crying feel approach, but I needed to be strong as he has always been very strong for my moments in the hospital.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered.
“I should be the one in the hospital bed, not you. I want to take whatever this is away from you. It is hard being on the other side…”
“No, you don’t need to suffer anymore than you have.”
The diagnosis was influenza-A and a bad sinus infection. I was pleased it wasn’t something worse, but saddened because we had just been hearing and reading on statistics of how many individuals were dying from complications of the flu this year.
I could not tell you how many medications they pumped into him. He finally went into a peaceful sleep, but I watched his pulse, endlessly. I did not take my eyes off him. I was praying to my Lord for mercy; His warmth, and comfort. This was especially hard being a couple of weeks after the first anniversary of the loss our pregnancy. My mindset was raw, fragile, and worn thin.
Even in the midst of our weakness, God is there. He reassured me with comfort, and the thought of certain brothers and sisters going through similar trials, but they all were given a rope to make The Climb. I accept the rug pulled from beneath my feet, to strengthen where I am weak and lack wisdom (James 1:2-4). God only wants the utmost best for others and me.
Thank You for my best friend and husband.